G-d as King is worth praising and blessings, however G-d as Father has not been that way for me. Lately I’ve been struggling with the aspect of His Father – son relationship with me. Let me explain. I have been praying on waiting for someone to come into my life. I’ve tried to do the right things and be patient about it for years. Still, when I look around me, the people who do not honor Him, has been blessed with those relationships. At first I was able to brush it off and be patient, believing that G-d will bring it about for me in my time. While in the back of my mind, I was hoping it would be soon. And you know what, it did happen where there were individuals who came into my life – who could have been potentials. They were godly women and are good people. However, I was not attracted to them. I’m going to be honest, there has to be a level of physical attraction there for me to pursue a relationship with a woman.
After a few times of this happening, I start to ask G-d, “are you kidding me… you know how much I want to be in a serious relationship and this is what you’re doing?” It makes me feel as if G-d has been playing a practical joke on me all along, and that hurts. Given the life situation that I’m going through, it would be all the more helpful to have a life companion. Not only for the sake of helping me out, but also to enjoy life with. I often tell people, “I wonder if G-d knows that we’re mortals and He’s not. Because sometimes it seems like the way He does things, He waits on it for such a long time. I don’t want to get married when I’m old and no longer in my younger years. There are different opportunities when you are at different stages in life. To sum it up, our time as human being is clicking, His isn’t, how long do we have to wait?”
That is why I feel that as Father, G-d has neglected me in that area. And to me, that’s an area that I would consider to be a heavy matter. In some ways, because of that, I feel that I am ‘following after my own heart and my own eyes’. I figured, G-d isn’t going to do for me so I’ll pursue it myself. I’m sure many will say to be patient with G-d and He will make it happen in His time. Or that perhaps I don’t have enough faith and trust in Him. Which may very well be the case. Whatever the reason may be, part of me is still waiting on Him to come through as a Father even though I’m going about it my own way.