As I mentioned in my latest blog that a lot has happened over the past year or so. I will try to touch base on some of the highlights, as they come to mind. The stories will most likely not be in chronicle order so I do apologize for that. I will try my best to put a date or time frame with the story as an attempt mark them for later compilation.
To start off, let me say that I have a fascination, perhaps even a passion for art. I do a little of many things; drawing, writing (poetry, hip-hop, and recently getting into spoken word), and computer graphics. By professional trade, I am a Graphics Designer. I’ve been doing that for the past 8 years until January 08, when the company that I was working for got bought up and everything pretty much went south from there.
For the past 2 years, I have been fortunate to have landed a few freelance projects here and there. Some of the works that I have done ranges from non-profit pamphlets, church brochures, business cards, logo, company ad, to musical artists. I enjoy what I do, and it allows me to meet new people doing it. Like every Graphics Designer out there, we would like to have a client base so that projects would be more consistent. But I guess that’s the nature of being a ‘starving artist’. Whether you’re a musician, visual, or any other type of artist, I think that’s true for all of us.
Having said that, I want to address something that has been sitting on my heart for a few weeks now. Ever since I met this friend of mine, her name will be Rogue in this story. She is a lesbian, a Hmong lesbian to be more specific. The reason why this is important is because over the course of knowing her, I have to come to admire her realness of who she is, and the challenges that she is willing to take from people, and especially the Hmong community. Being a person of the GLBT community is heavily shunned on in our tight knit community. To see her be this open, shows courage and strength – being honest with herself and to the rest of the world. And as I have watched her spoken word performances these last few times, I have come to admire her for her bravery.
With this new appreciation, comes a sad and heavy realization for me. All these years, I have always knew that I needed to accept and embrace my CF. And I thought that I did. But there was always this feeling that I wasn’t being 100% truthful to myself. I did not want people to know I have CF, especially if they were not close friends or family. My mentally was, I don’t want them to know I have CF because I don’t want them to treat me differently; for instance, letting me off easily for ‘health’ reasons. Or how about this, “oh, don’t carry this, it’s too heavy for you.” I mean, come on, I know my limits, if it’s too heavy, I’ll get someone to carry it. Otherwise, I CAN carry stuff to you know. Another reason is because in the back of my mind, I’ve always thought that when my time comes and I leave this place, I wanted people to be like, “what?!?, he had CF and we never knew? And he did all that (accomplishments, adventures, ups, downs, etc…) without any of us having to assist him? I just wanted to be treated normal, just like a healthy person. And especially to a romantic prospect, that was probably the hardest obstacle for me. Not only that, but a part of me still holds on to that mentality as well. But ever since this friendship with Rogue and seeing her having the courage to come out of her closet, made me realize what I have been lacking all along. All these years, I thought I had embraced my CF. Yes, I have accepted the fact that I have CF, but never have I truly embraced it and come out of my own ‘closet’.
This revelation was an eye opener; psychologically and emotionally. Psychologically because whenever I’m alone and there’s time to reflect, there seems to be a war within me about how to deal with my condition. I would be emotionally drained from the whole ordeal. There are many times where I just feel exhausted and fatigued. Not to mention the moments where my spirit just feels down and my heart is just aching to be comforted. How I have longed for an answer, for someone to come along and accept me for who I am. I’ve always accepted that my CF will be with me, but that if only I had a companion in life, it would make this burden much lighter. Sadly enough, that has been an obstacle for me til this day. It seems that I’m sabotaging myself every time, by not embracing my situation, my confidence was lacking. And my honest opinion, which may sound like a cliche, is that confidence can be a very attractive quality in a person. They may not be the model type, but if they walk with their head held high, speak with passion, and carry themselves with confidence, it would be difficult not to be attracted to that person.
Okay. That’s one of the many things that is on my heart as of late. I felt it was important for me to put that out there because of the weight of the matter. Being that it’s a fundamental element of what makes me ME, and how I will carry myself from this point on out. Any how, thanks for reading and I hope it makes sense. More to come later.