Posted by: Yang | November 30, 2009

230am

2:30 a.m, thats the time that I woke up from a night of feeling short of breath. And to think that this pass weekend, I was starting to feel better. For about a week or two now, I have not been that well. From shortness of breath to chest pains and tiredness. Psychologically, I was sure I had pneumonia. I went as far as going to WebMD.com and Ecureme.com to check the symptoms. And from what I understand, I had most of the symptoms listed. I debated for days on end, should I go in to the hospital to get checked up? This went on and on, trying to somehow justify that I should just go. But I never did.
I’m not sure why I haven’t gone yet. There’s a part of me that knows that I should go in, regardless of what the test results may come back, that I have pneumonia or not. Because of the way that my body has been feeling, especially my respiratory functions, I NEED to be checked in. I don’t know how much longer I can do this anymore. One day feeling fine, only to be feeling tired and short of breath the next day. And to be honest, when I feel crappy like this, I often wonder how people with CF die. I mean, I read about a story of an individual who had CF, and it said that when he died, he was on his death bed and was put to sleep. Do we get so tired to a point where we just literally put to sleep so that our passing can be peaceful? This is almost a question that I ask not hoping to find the answer for (I’m sure there’s a word for this too). Because if I do know the answer, the next time I feel like this, my mind would get some really crazy ideas. Not that it already hasn’t, but knowing the answer would be like putting the nail to the coffin. And in this situation, it’s almost a literal meaning. Which is why it’s a struggle for me. Do I really want to find out? Is it smart to know? How would it benefit me from knowing? Should I just go with the flow and see what happens? My mind is bombarded with questions after questions, somehow, trying to justify the main question, do i really want to find out?
Tomorrow (or actually today, because its already 2:38 am) is Monday, November 30, 2009. It’s a new week, a fresh start, should I call up my clinic and see if I can go in? Or am I going to default back to the same old routine of wasting time and suffering in the mean while. I do really hope that I will not do the latter, because it only leaves me feeling like shit every time. I know that it sounds like a very easy and obvious decision to make, but somehow, someway, I’m making it more difficult than it needs to be. Maybe I shouldn’t think too much about it and just do it, because sometimes when you think too much, it muddies up the obvious.

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