Posted by: Yang | December 30, 2009

How I’ve been feeling…

At the begining of the month, I was hospitalized. Not surprisng though, given how I have been feeling up until that point. In early fall, I started to have some symptoms that just didn’t improve over a period of time and with the cold settling in, it was just a matter of time. Thats not to say that I didn’t try to prevent it or that I wanted to be sick. Although a part of me did want to go to the hospital, but more so for a ‘tune up’ and not because I was getting sick. Either way, I spent a week in the hospital and an additional two weeks on home IV throuah a pic line. Needless to say, I was more or less confined at home and couldn’t really do much. Although I was free to go and come as I pleased, my left arm was physically limited to what I can do, which made me felt handicapped, as if the CF didn’t already do that.

I should also note that after a few days of treatment at the hospital, my PFTs went from 35 to 40 (I believe its the FEV1). The day before I left, it was 39. Which to me, was a good sign. Two weeks later when I went back to do my annuals and check to see if I still needed to be on antibiotics, I felt really good. I haven’t felt that liberating in terms of breathing for a few months, maybe even years. So I was really psyched. The annuals went as usual, 8+ hours of clinic testings and then finally came the Dr’s appt. Aside from being Vitamin D deffeciency, I’m pretty much at the verge of having ostheoporosis, I got the good news. That since my PFTs look good, blew a 39 (and that was without doing a vest treatment for 24 hours) and that I don’t look or feel sick, I can have the pic line taken out. Whoo hooo!!! Got the tune up I’ve been dreading for in the back burner for a while and I’m ready to take on the cold weather of MN winter. Or so I thought.

A few days ago, I started having a runny and stuffy nose. Then last night, I started developing a cough. And in the past few days, the upper right area of my back started feeling tense again. Usually thats not a good thing, because it makes me feel like the mucus’s are building up right there and it’s causing that tightness. But the doctors reassured me that it’s muscle related and not the actual lungs. Which somehow makes sense because I’ve noticed that if I have someone use their elbow and put pressure on that spot, it helps to relax the muscle and the tension goes away. But physcholigically, I still think that it’s mucus’s building up and causing the tightness. At any rate, with the runny nose, sneezing, stuffy nose, and now dry cough, I can only hope that it does NOT lead to an infection, again. That my body will be able to fight off the cold and I’ll bounce back to a good base line. I’ve been trying to make sure I eat well, stretch, and most importantly, do my treatments. But there has been one thing that I have not done well at, which is get enough sleep. For some reason, I can not go to sleep around 10 or 11pm, I have tried and end up laying in bed til about 12am or so. Tossing and turning, feeling frustrated and then it just messes me up for a while.

Having said all that, what I was trying to get at was that this evening, for the second time this week, when I sneezed, the area right above your colour bone and shoulder, the part where it dips down, I felt a sharp prickle there. In the past, that usually was an indication that there was a leak in my lung. I’m not sure if it’s leaking there, or if it’s leaking somewhere else, and the air is rising up to that area. Whatever the case, I do NOT need a pneumothorax. The way I see it, I had one major one already (where I actually had surgery to close it and parts of my lungs were cut and stapled), not to mention the few minor ones in the past – I am done with it. No more!!

I don’t want to be sick anymore. I really don’t, with the last few months and years, with my health declining over all, I don’t need things to get any worse. Especially when I’m trying so hard to get better and actually get into a routine of regular excercising so that I can have better cardio and stamina. There’s so much that I have planned ahead that I don’t want any sickness to derail me from reaching my goals. I really want to beat the odds and overcome this lack of healthiness. And being that when I don’t feel well, with all these symptoms, phsycologically and mentally, I’m not in a positive mode either. With all that combined, it just makes everything seems so much harder. It’s like they’re all connected somehow, if one goes bad, it’s only a matter of time before the other ones follow. First the physical, then the pshcological, then the emotional. Trust me when I say that I have tried, and still trying, to be positive. I believe that a positive mind and a positive attitude can really make things better. Which is why I try to do positive things like go out instead of just staying home and watching tv all the time. But with being so broke and the weather being so crappy, there’s not much other options. Sometimes, I feel like all I need, is just a break. In my mind, I have a lot of things planned out, what I want to do, where I want to go, I just need the door to be opened and then I’m running for it.

What I really would like to do is move into a 1 or 2 bedroom apartment, have a steady income, do regular excercise on top of my treatments, and live in a warm weather place. Thats what I think would really set the grounds for a better and healther living condition for me overall. Cause I think with this cold weather, being broke, and jammed pack together in this little house has taken a huge toll on my overall health. I can’t just blame it on one thing, cause I know that it’s a combination of several issues. I just hope that when the time comes, and things fall into place, I can really make this happen for me. Cause I truly believe with all my heart, that it will have a positive impact on my overall health if I am able to accomplish my goals. For now, I just have to hang on and tell myself that it’s only a matter of time. I can only hope that the time will come soon.

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